Rediscovering misery
Re-discovering an old favourite is usually a wonderful experience. Cueing up a record you haven’t listened to in years, remembering how moving it was, re-living that experience…there’s nothing better. Usually.
When the National’s Boxer first hit me I was hurtling through the rocky mountains in what can quite literally only be described as the dead of night. Evocative, suppressing blackness marked both the night sky and the sound of the album, the risk of danger and death literally lying around every corner enhancing the experience of hearing the songs. In the two years since I’ve listened to the record only sparingly, but recently it has wormed its way back into a regular rotation on my various music players. But I’m finding the dark and ominous tone is acting like a mirror, parabolically reflecting a whole new set of emotions this time around.
The sense of isolation, loneliness, depression, anxiety, they were always there. But hearing it now the detachment and ennui in Matt Berninger’s voice rings so much truer. The entire album feels so much more visceral when your own wounds are wide open.
After four years my common-law wife decided a few weeks ago to end our relationship. The details are not for your consumption. While I understand and respect her decision and the numerous factors that went into it it still sucks ass. I’ve spent the better part of September drinking (way) too much and distracting myself by working extra shifts and going out with friends and family, trying to reconcile my new-found freedom with the simultaneous severing of the adoration I’ve felt for so long. On Saturday I slept for more than six hours, the first time this month I’ve managed to do that. Yesterday I cleaned my apartment until my hands bled.
People always like to say that time heals all wounds. While that’s cold comfort in the immediate aftermath, I can still appreciate how time also distorts things. Boxer is evidence of that. While I love it just as much as I ever did the album reads completely different to me now. Its a little bittersweet to feel love and joy at a time like this.
One more thing to feel good about: listening to so much new music means you always have plenty of miserable music to listen to when you’re mired in the dumps. Below is a quick mix, sampling some of the songs that carried me through one particularly dark evening that consisted of seven hours, dozens of the saddest songs I could think of, and a shitload of vodka and rum. I would say, “Enjoy,” but that really isn’t the point, is it?
the National - Ada [4:05m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download Sarah Harmer - You Were Here: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download Frightened Rabbit - Keep Yourself Warm [5:33m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download Mountain Goats - No Children: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download Drag the River - Hang Dog [2:30m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download the Bicycles - Can I Keep Calling You Baby [2:17m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download Mike Hale - Lives Like Mine [3:37m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download the Lowest of the Low - Black Monday [5:10m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download the Wheat Pool - Right Arm: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download the Mountain Goats - Woke Up New: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download
